The Preemptive Strike
Doesn’t necessarily feel the best but it’s one of my favorite kinds. It fits my personality and kind of represents who I am. This style of pooping is what I’ve been taking advantage of the most ever since one day during PT (Physical Training). It was about my 1st or 2nd week at AIT and we were going for a long run. All was fine and BAM, it hit me like a train. I couldn’t continue the run. My stomach was howling and it felt as though any minute the world was going to drop out of my ass. You’ve all had the feeling; Don’t judge me. I ended up having to stop in the middle of our PT and run to the closest bathroom and let loose. I thought it wasn’t a big deal but to my Sergeant, it was. He gave the whole platoon about an hour long lecture after he smoked me on how we should be waking up at least 5 or 10 minutes earlier in the morning to squeeze out a shit. He stated continuously how he could squeeze one out whenever he wanted and we should all be the same. Ever since that incident I’ve learned to take advantage of my time to better prepare myself from things like PT and just going out in general when using the bathroom is inconvenient.

SPLASHDOWN
This is the winner. I had a discussion about this with my co-workers and manager several days ago and found it pretty interesting. I gave this style the title of SPLASHDOWN because it is what it sounds like. It literally splashes down. Have you ever needed to poop really bad but couldn’t quite hold it long enough? Splashdown is when your buttcheeks are only a few inches away from contact with the toilet seat but you can’t quite hold it long enough and you end up having projectile shit splashed all over the inside of your toilet bowl. The water in there can’t contain your massive payload and you end up having splattered poo marks across the bowl; it’s pretty heavy when you somehow manage to splatter some UNDERNEATH the toilet seat and inside the top ring in your toilet where all the hard to reach spots are.

The ICE CREAM MACHINE
This is everyone’s favorite and it feels the best. If you disagree then I’m sorry. I named this style the ‘ICE CREAM MACHINE’ because if you ever get to look at your anus when you’re having one of these poop sessions, it literally looks like the chocolate ice cream as it coils out of your butt like it does when you pull the lever on an ice cream machine. It’s quite fascinating to say the least and it feels amazing. When you’re having one of these you always wanna see how long you can get it to be. You coach yourself in your head as it’s smoothly coming out to extend it and keep it coming. You try not to close up your anus because that will only chop up the nice long strand of poop you would’ve had so you take a deep breath and just let things sail. You don’t want to force it all out as fast as you can because then the strand won’t be as long as you could get it to be. You take your time but you don’t go too slow.

BOMBERS
We’ve all had these. They’re literally like dropping bombs in the ocean. They’re short but powerful durations of poop and even makes a sound similar to the 203 when you launch a grenade out of it. BOOM. Yes, these do feel good but there is some recoil. It becomes a timing and reflex exercise because you have to avoid the water that splashes up immediately after one of your bombs makes contact with the toilet water. It becomes something sort of like a squat exercise because after each bomb you unload, you squat up a few inches because you don’t want that nasty water splashing on your nice clean buttcheeks, right?

THE SILENT KILLER
I hate these. This is when you sit on a toilet because you know you have to poop and you know you should. As you sit there, nothing comes out. You take deep breaths and try with all your might to squeeze one out but every effort just seems to fail miserably and you sit there with unpolluted clean toilet water beneath you. Then, out of nowhere, it’s like you’re getting ripped a new hole. It’s painful but you can’t scream because the person in the stall next to you will be like, wtf? As a result, you make silly faces and cringe and maybe sometimes cry silently because it hurts so much. You start to regret not getting enough fiber in your system because at that moment, it feels as if your anus is going to bleed and be scarred forever. After letting the first strand come out, you sit there and try to recover. You ask yourself why does it have to come out so slowly and painfully? You begin to dread the next strand that you feel coming. You don’t want to let it out but you know you have to so you end up manning up and bracing yourself. Next time maybe you’ll eat more fiber.

-Alex Lee

What’s your favorite?